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FELINE GENOCIDE?

How can we rid the world from these pests.

FELINE GENOCIDE?

Hi Barry,

I don't know about you but the cat problem where I live in Somerset has got beyond a joke.

I know it's the liberal thing these days to "claim" to love the furry little fuckers but in private everyone admits to loathing these flea ridden bastard spongers, right?

Well, I'd like to start a nationwide campaign to rid our society of these evil c*nts. Maybe name a day when it becomes socially acceptable to publicly execute as many of the little shits as we can get our hands on? A sort of cat armistice.

There must be about 15 of the sneaky little wankers on my street alone. If burnt the heat generated could significantly help to reduce the problem some of our older citizens are having in staying warm this winter.

Let's all just stop, take a look in the mirror and admit to ourselves that enough is enough. They have to go. Only last week I saw a cat defecating in my rear garden. This unruly behavior just cannot be allowed to continue.

So, come on. let's do something about this problem together, as a nation.

THE VALLEYS

Anger Management Techniques

Dear Barry

as a child I was small and weak compared to other children in my local area and always I would get beaten.

When I was fifteen I joined the local boxing club because I was so sick of be beatings I received. That was 2 years ago. From the age of fifteen to seventeen I became bigger and stronger but my temper increased a thousand times and I would just go around beating people for fun and taking their money.

Then one day I was so out of control I beat the local policeman badly .I was arrested and had to be restrained in a straitjacket and taken to the local nut house for evaluation.

After many test the doctors realised that I had high level of steroids in my system and it turned out later that my trainer had been giving me in a special drink loaded with steroids. That was 4 weeks ago.

Once again I feel weak like the fifteen year old child I was, so am begging you Barry for two hundred pounds so I can get loaded on the roids and feel like a wild animal pulling the birds and beating the local sheep up.

cheers

Dandelion

VERMIN

In A personal Place

Hi barry,

I have a very serious problem that I can hope you can help me with.

For years my apple farm (a little place just outside of Spokane, WA) has suffered from a plague of field mice but lately things have taken a more sinister turn.

I have discovered that the mice have moved into my wife’s forehead. This is very distressing to me as not only do I hear their incessant squeaking all night, but my beloved’s head has swelled up at the front like a peanut or actress Reece Witherspoon’s.

As you can imagine this is very alarming. I’m not sure if the mice are controlling my wife’s actions. I suspect they are, as many times I have woken in the morning to find her face covered in those mouse glue traps I bought at the local store.

I’ve tried to remedy the situation myself but the only way to tempt the mice out is to place little bits of cheese in my wife’s ear canal and grab the little critters when they pop out for a bite. But it has been a bad year for American apples and it’s getting to a point where I can’t afford money for cheese.

I also want to try for a baby with my wife but I’m worried that any child produced will be half man/half rodent, which may be good for the freakshow circuit but not so good for a farm specializing in pippins.

Please help me and send some cheese or even better a cow so I can produce cheese myself-as the old saying goes, ‘Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life’

Please give generously.

Adam

WINNING LOTTERY WAYS

To be happy is all I want - why am I doing this?

WINNING LOTTERY WAYS

Read an interesting story the other day when I was in Boston finalizing a deal to build a giant tea pot in the harbour. 

It was about a group of people, some from MIT and Harvard, who’ve come up with a foolproof way to win the lottery-the only catch being you need 600,000 dollars to invest. 

But they reckon they’ve won nearly 2 million dollars already.

 I’d say good luck to them, but from my own bitter personal experience I know that money only brings misery. 

A luxurious, wrapped in the finest furs, sipping 100 year old cognac while living in a house so high tech that the local yokels think it has been sent from the future and is inhabited by a time travelling chrononaut called 'Mr Barry' misery, but misery all the same.

Anyway have a read. 

 

http://articles.boston.com/2011-07-31/news/29836200_1_lottery-tickets-claim-prizes-massachusetts-state-lottery