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Straight Talking

Stop my Sayings

Dearest Barry,

I have read most of your other begs and they strike me as silly, obvious con jobs designed to lift the cash from your no doubt gigantic bank account

Well I am different. I’m a plain speaking man, raised honest in the endless cornfields of Norwich so I’m not going to beat about the bush, go round the houses, call a spade a fork, try and flim flam you, pull the wool over your eyes, tell you my auntie is my uncle, sell you a pig in a poke, lead you by the nose, pull a fast one, visit Alice in the bakers or take you to the cleaners.

To cut a long story short I just want a donation so I can stop the unstoppable urge to endlessly compound my sentences with well known phrases. It’s sending me and my family crazy like a loon, up the wall, round the bend, away with the fairies, bats in the belfry, going postal with metal hands and, well you get the picture, are clued in, know the score, woke like waco, know the 411, are in the know. 

So please flash the cash, make it rain, deal the dosh, fork out, cough up, feed the meter, tap the monkey in its special place to help, as you can't take it with you, no pockets in shrouds, money is meant for spending, charity begins at my house.  

Yours 

Judd Crossbar

PS You never know how strong you are till you are boiled alive in a teacup

MESSIAH DETECTOR

Blessed Barry!

MESSIAH DETECTOR

As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.

 And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement  begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact. 

 But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer. 

 I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)

 Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!

 Bless you

 Paul Crystalstone 

Like you!

A usual and probably boring beg..

Dear Barry, since I was a liitle child my dream was to become like you. I mean a rich man that will give away money to those who needed them.Unfortunately as not always dreams come true, I didnt make it up to now.So I am now asking you to give me the opportunity and start my own business and maybe some day I can become like you. Thanks at least for the opportunity! S.Z.

Bird Whisperer

We can learn so much...

Bird Whisperer

Good day Mr Derbyshire,

I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.

For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.

I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!

One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!

Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!

This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!

Cheers

Buddy J Mattes

Haunted Washing Machine

Demon in my Hotpoint

Haunted Washing Machine

Dearest Barry,

I’ll come straight to the point. One of my home appliances has been invaded by supernatural entities who are terrorising my family and making my life a living hell!

It began when my youngest son Nicholas tried to clean his pet chicken in the washing machine. The poor bird was killed but its blood sacrifice meant a demon was able to take up residence inside our Bosch washer dryer (which incidentally we got it on a really good deal from John Lewis).

Since then all the families clothes have smelt of sulphur and my kids go to school smelling of rotten eggs. To be fair, drying is a lot quicker now with the machine being powered by the fires of hell (but get the timing wrong and the kid’s PE kits are reduced to ashes)

I’ve contacted a ‘White Goods Witch’ through Gumtree who says she can get rid of the demon for 50K  in cash. Could you please forward me the money so I can instruct her to send this spin cycle spirit back where it came from.

Though thinking about it, it could be cheaper to buy a new washing machine. So could you send a grand for that please as well.

Yours

Kirsty