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Expedition Needs Funding

I have discovered what thousands have failed to find

Expedition Needs Funding

Dear Barry,

Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.

I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.

As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.

It is said if you possess one these  Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.

But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.

I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis. 

Yes, you read that right. I have found  Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.

And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No,  the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!

My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights. 

It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense. 

I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.

Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.

Kindest regards,

Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)

Airship Disaster!!

Party to give away my fortune goes wrong!

Airship Disaster!!

Happy New Year!!!

 It’s been a strange few days. I’ve been moving place to place on the run from Illuminati assassins. Many, many of you have been kind enough to help me out with a bed for the night and I’ve gladly made those people rich beyond their wildest dreams!

 A special shout out to you, Mike of Boulder, Colorado 80301, for teaching me how to smoke a bong while snow boarding backwards. What a crazy day! But you should really do something about that spot on your nose. I think it may be syphilis.

 But things went wrong on New Year’s Eve big style. I’d gotten my butler Ivan to sneak my personal airship, ‘The Barry Balloon’, into the United States so I could hold a lavish New Years party.

 I don’t know how he got it past customs or the US Air Force and when I asked him he just said in that grumpy Russian way he has, ‘I paid a lot of people, a lot of money’ Good! The less money I have, the happier I am!

 I’d invited some of the richest people in the world to the party and planned to give away a substantial part of my fortune — rich people love money especially when they don’t have to do anything for it, so I had high hopes that 2018 would get off to an awesome start.

 It was a disaster. The Illuminati had sneaked an assassin on board disguised as formula one champion and world fashion icon Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton pulled an enormous elephant gun from his sweatpants just as we got to the second chorus of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and I had to run for my life from the party to the airship’s cockpit.

 As I ran into the cockpit, with the Illuminati Hamilton bearing down on me like a Mclaran on a Ferrari, I tripped over Ivan my butler, and Hollywood great Angela Lansbury arm wrestling on the floor. I flew across the cockpit, slammed into the controls and we nosedived towards the flat Kansas Prairie, far, far below. Illuminati Hamilton, realising we were about to crash, turned into a ball of light and melted through the airships skin. It was perhaps the strangest thing I have ever witnessed.

 Worse was to come. We hit an isolated farm house and as the screams and cries of the great and the good filled the airship I realised we had crashed into a BitCoin mine! Hundreds of glistening BitCoins were pouring into the cockpit and I was now (unless the Chinese Communist Party decide to restrict their crypto-currency exchanges through upcoming legislation) more cashed up than I had ever been.

When will I ever be free?!!!!!

A Visitor!!

Hitman pays me a visit. I pay him off.

A Visitor!!

My butler Ivan has just reported back, he;d seen a Bigfoot in the back yard! This is bad news indeed.

In case you didn’t know, Bigfoot often works with the Illuminati as an assassin for hire, so seeing one in the farm means only one thing.

He is here to do me in, in the preferred Bigfoot manner by twisting my head off like a cap on a Bud Lite bottle.

Fortunately I know Bigfoot’s cousin, Mr Yeti,  through my days spent in 10K dollars a day rejuvenation clinics run by theosopic monks high in the Himalayas.

Bigfoot has a lot of time for his cousin so he's agreed to a payoff of 200K USD. Luckily I was about to build a model of Olney’s town hall made entirely of Napoleon Brandy soaked 100 dollar bills so I have the cash to hand. I gave him it in two wal mart bags and told him to use the money to get his hair cut (he was sporting a Hitler mullet)

But the Illumniati must know I’m here so I’m packing my bags (well, Ivan is) and moving on to a safe house. Anyone who offers me shelter will be well rewarded!!

Hurry though, Bitcoins value is dropping by the minute!

Down On The Farm!

Plain country living

Down On The Farm!

After my appeal for help earlier this week after I discovered I’m on an Illuminati hit list I’ve been moved by all the offers.

Moved to never give out any money again—only two people offered me sanctuary during this time of great danger. But God Bless the two that did, they will receive their Bit Coins shortly.

I’m now holed up on a farm in the American mid west with my butler Ivan.

I won’t say precisely where (and i’m posting this from a signal that is being routed through 23 proxies and bounced off Alex Jones’ head)  but Olney, Illinois has a very nice diner where the good folks of the town meet to discuss the day.

I think they were a bit shocked when I walked in. Maybe it was my Karl Lagerfeld suit or that i ordered a vegan breakfast or that Ivan spoon fed me every last morsel. But it soon settled down.

When I left I tipped the waitress 10K USD and she decided there and then to come work for me. A couple of families that saw me give me the small tip, invited me to dinner this evening. 

Seems they are some good folks left in the world!

But the Illuminati still loom and I’m a moment ago I could hear one of them scuttling around in the back yard. I’m sending Ivan out to have a look and will report back later….

PS To the Illuminati who hacked the blog. there aren’t any WH Smiths in southern Illinois! They can’t even read here here! Let alone have newstands. Haven’t thought your cunning plan through have you?

Surrender

TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY

Illuminati Pay Point

Dear Barry

I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.

There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt. 

You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.

Warmest regards and season's greetings

The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.