: Begs

Post your begs for Barry's consideration - begging form


Investigation Interview Request

Tax Avoidance and Bono Tricks

Paradise Papers

Dear Mr Derbyshire

I work for The Guardian newspaper in London, and I am currently investigating the Paradise Papers. I would be grateful if you could call me to arrange an interview as I have some serious questions for you.

Your name has turned up 18000 times in connection with what can only be described as an unbelievable number of offshore companies and other tax avoidance schemes. Strange - as I can see from your website that you claim you are trying to get rid of your money rather than hoard it away.

Your name turns up over and over and again, and when I call anybody in regards to my research, I keep getting referred to you. In fact, when I contacted Buckingham Palace regarding the Queen’s investments from her private estate Her Majesty called me herself and said ‘Speak to Bazzer D’. On my way home later the same day, a car with blacked out windows tried to run me over. 

I’m also puzzled by the purchase of 12 F-35 Lightning II fighter jets that were bought from Lewis Hamilton in July last year. The £13million retainer you appear to pay Bono every year to perform close up magic tricks has also raised a few eyebrows. These queries are the tip of the iceberg.

I am looking forward to hearing from you Bazzer D

Just call the Guradian Newspaper in London or pop in for a coffee if you are passing.

Need A Sub

Subversive needs a submersible

Need A Sub

Dear Barry,

How’s things?

I write to you with an exciting proposal

I’ve recently lost backing for a political project i was working on (it was v succesfull till i got the boot)

I want to take a break for a bit before deciding on what to do next. So was thinking you could buy me an Ohio Class nuclear powered submarine so I can cruise around under the ocean.

In return I will guarantee election as the head of state of any nation you choose.

Let me know as soon as possible.

Cheers

S Bannon (Soon to be Captain of the USS Bannonator)

Dolphins Speak!

Fish mammals want a word

Dolphins Speak!

Come back  To Us Barry. Come Back To Us Barry. 

Put Your Cares Down

And Come Back To Us Barry.

Ricitickitckitickitiki 

 

You Have an Hypnotic Courier Message

Illuminati Messaging System

Illuminati Messaging System

Dear Barry 

I hope this finds you well and that you are happier than the last time we met in Vegas.  Life for me is not so great at the moment, and I have returned to work as an Illuminati sex-slave. I’m all over the place. I have been re-programmed and am now called StarBright so please update my contact details. 

Are you still into dolphins? I’m not sure why I typed that. Apparently, I have been hypnotised, and a significant message for you is implanted into my brain. Next time we meet you just have to say the trigger phrase ‘Tell me the message from the Illuminati’. Once I’ve passed on the message, then run away as fast as you can because I believe they’ve also programmed me to operate as a level Theta assassin. I can’t be sure, because that's how good hypnosis works, but it is better to be safe than sorry. They've also sent the message by email but are worried it might get lost in your Spam folder because you are still using Gmail. 

Could you also return my Star Trek outfit when I see you? 

Lots of love

StarBright (née Perry)

Another Amazing Discovery

Pharaohs treasures in pizza shop

Another Amazing Discovery

Another Amazing Discovery Barry!

I have found the lost pyramids of Egypt (or perhaps even Atlantis?) disguised as a small takeaway shop in the city of Blackburn in the wilds of Northern England.

I think this is one of the major finds of the last thousand years and could change all we know about human history (and takeways)

I apologise for the quality of the picture.

I took it with my psychic mind camera (I invented it myself). Blackburn is quite far away from me so the image is a bit fuzzy unlike yesterdays of the lost continent of Atlantis, which is far closer to my home.

There could be untold treasure of gold and jewels inside so all i ask is the return train fare from Leicester to Blackburn and i’ll cut you in for a 40% share. Of course, all media rights belong to me.

What say you Barry? History is within our grasp.

Yours

Colonel Nigel Paperclip Bsc (Hons)