: Begs

Post your begs for Barry's consideration - begging form


Cat Lady Query

Cat Lady Query

Hi Barry,

 Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!

 I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue. 

 I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order)  and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.

Yours 

Sarah

PS 

If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!

Dolphin?

Noooo

Heya Barry. I have some terrible news that is just so embarrassing! It can't be true I thought but having watched it back on my computer I can't hide the fact that I can't clap! Apparently I am part human and part dolphin. I'm depressed Barry. The only fix is specialist hypnotherapy and it costs a bomb. I'm not sure I have enough money for therapy and cope with the emotional trauma is too much. I was told it will cost a few million to fully cure me. Until then I can't be seen in any social environment for the fear of clapping is too much. Help a damsel in distress. I know you will x

Time to move on?

I can't understand to be honest

Evening Barry, You will know exactly who I am but you can call me JB. I am a football legend currently playing for a top top team in the PL! I'm probably the greatest player to ever live. And yet people don't appreciate my skills and dedication! People just don't know class when they see it. My record speaks for itself, I've played for the biggest clubs in Europe and represented my country one time. I'm better than "Golden Balls" any day. But I am constantly hated wherever I go! I just can't understand it Barry. I get the feeling people will be glad to see me move on. Drop us a few million and I'll be on a plane out of here for sure. Come on big man this is doing my head in. Much love Joey B.

Straight Talking

Stop my Sayings

Dearest Barry,

I have read most of your other begs and they strike me as silly, obvious con jobs designed to lift the cash from your no doubt gigantic bank account

Well I am different. I’m a plain speaking man, raised honest in the endless cornfields of Norwich so I’m not going to beat about the bush, go round the houses, call a spade a fork, try and flim flam you, pull the wool over your eyes, tell you my auntie is my uncle, sell you a pig in a poke, lead you by the nose, pull a fast one, visit Alice in the bakers or take you to the cleaners.

To cut a long story short I just want a donation so I can stop the unstoppable urge to endlessly compound my sentences with well known phrases. It’s sending me and my family crazy like a loon, up the wall, round the bend, away with the fairies, bats in the belfry, going postal with metal hands and, well you get the picture, are clued in, know the score, woke like waco, know the 411, are in the know. 

So please flash the cash, make it rain, deal the dosh, fork out, cough up, feed the meter, tap the monkey in its special place to help, as you can't take it with you, no pockets in shrouds, money is meant for spending, charity begins at my house.  

Yours 

Judd Crossbar

PS You never know how strong you are till you are boiled alive in a teacup

MESSIAH DETECTOR

Blessed Barry!

MESSIAH DETECTOR

As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.

 And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement  begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact. 

 But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer. 

 I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)

 Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!

 Bless you

 Paul Crystalstone