I have discovered what thousands have failed to find
Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.
I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.
As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.
It is said if you possess one these Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.
But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.
I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis.
Yes, you read that right. I have found Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.
And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No, the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!
My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights.
It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense.
I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.
Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.
Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)
TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY
I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.
There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt.
You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.
Warmest regards and season's greetings
The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Dear Barry mate,
I need to ask a favour. A small one, not much cash involved.
My wife has left me because of our new fridge freezer. It’s one of those so called ‘smart’ ones and she came home to find me wanking off in front of it. Myself, I can’t see the problem—i crack one out in front of all my other internet connected devices so why should this be any different?
Who cares if it hasn't got a screen and I can't even see porn. It's connected to the internet so that's what it's for right?
But she won’t come back till i buy a new old fashioned fridge (if that makes any sense) and get rid of the old one.
Now I can afford to get a hotpoint from argos but am struggling with the ten quid disposal fee. So if you give us a tenner it would sort this mess out. I think it will be cheaper than a divorce.
Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!
I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue.
I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order) and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.
If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!
Heya Barry. I have some terrible news that is just so embarrassing! It can't be true I thought but having watched it back on my computer I can't hide the fact that I can't clap! Apparently I am part human and part dolphin. I'm depressed Barry. The only fix is specialist hypnotherapy and it costs a bomb. I'm not sure I have enough money for therapy and cope with the emotional trauma is too much. I was told it will cost a few million to fully cure me. Until then I can't be seen in any social environment for the fear of clapping is too much. Help a damsel in distress. I know you will x