We can learn so much...
Good day Mr Derbyshire,
I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.
For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.
I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!
One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!
Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!
This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!
Buddy J Mattes
Demon in my Hotpoint
I’ll come straight to the point. One of my home appliances has been invaded by supernatural entities who are terrorising my family and making my life a living hell!
It began when my youngest son Nicholas tried to clean his pet chicken in the washing machine. The poor bird was killed but its blood sacrifice meant a demon was able to take up residence inside our Bosch washer dryer (which incidentally we got it on a really good deal from John Lewis).
Since then all the families clothes have smelt of sulphur and my kids go to school smelling of rotten eggs. To be fair, drying is a lot quicker now with the machine being powered by the fires of hell (but get the timing wrong and the kid’s PE kits are reduced to ashes)
I’ve contacted a ‘White Goods Witch’ through Gumtree who says she can get rid of the demon for 50K in cash. Could you please forward me the money so I can instruct her to send this spin cycle spirit back where it came from.
Though thinking about it, it could be cheaper to buy a new washing machine. So could you send a grand for that please as well.
Help infirm actors now!
Hello again Barry,
As you rudely did not accept my recent proposal to help stop old athletes ending up in the dog food factory by buying their gold medals and turning them into teeth I have another proposition for you.
This one has more 'celebrity' around it, so knowing how vain and self centred you are (i follow you on Instagram @begbarry) I think you will fund it.
Instead of buying athletes gold medals we should buy Oscar winners statuettes, melt them down to help the world's poor and gummy and in process saving broken down actors from a life of poverty.
I mean Christ did you see Warren Beatty last night at the Oscar ceremony? Think what he could do with a couple of hundred dollars. Get some reading glasses for starters.
Please let me know by Noon (Reunion Island Time) your answer,
What is a portion anyway?
This email may come as some surprise. My name is Delores and you will remember me from the HF Massage Parlour - it’s closed down now and in its place is a Lucky Pet Premium Pet Food Store.
I’m now back in the UK after being deported and through no fault of my own I have 8 children to support - I’m not even sure if some of them are mine. Anyway Baz, I remember you said that if ever I needed anything you would be happy to help, so here goes.
Things are tough at the moment and I’m very worried after reading somewhere that it is now the law that everybody eats 33 portions of fruit and veg per day! I’m not even sure what a portion is but I do know I don’t want to go back to prison. I’ve priced up the cost of 33 portions of Petit Pois X 8 children X 7 days and it is a lot of peas per week. The best price I’ve found is Tesco which works out at 15p per 100g - I know some people will say I could get garden peas which are cheaper but two of the kids, Rio and Jordan, won’t touch them so it’s pointless.
If you could set up a standing order or regular delivery from Tesco I could avoid a lengthy jail term, and the children might avoid many common western illnesses in later life. I could do with a bigger freezer as well. So we all win.
My name is Larry
I wrote this for luck
I don't seem to have any.
Your name is Barry
You think money is muck
I admire your pledge to help many.
Please send me the money or I will hunt you.
All the best