: Barry's Blog

Oh deary deary me my life is so hard


SAVING THE RAIN FOREST

Tribal Rescue

SAVING THE RAIN FOREST

Heard on the radio about the discovery of the Amazonian tribe that has no concept of time and it brought back some painful memories of when I tried to do good but so nearly did wrong.

A couple of years back I had the bright idea of bringing over some of these neglected Brazilian forest dwellers to live on my vast estate snuggled in the most exclusive part of the Chilterns and giving them the life they deserved.

I didn’t have the first clue on how to go about this but money sure does buy you a lot of things and after a few phone calls and a lot of bribes I soon employed a character known as ‘Mombasa Bob’ who was famed for his people skills, or to be more precise, his people catching skills.

His preferred method was to use a net like the monkeys used in Planet Of The Apes, in fact I think he actually bought the one he was using off Charlton Heston.

 

I paid him a lot of money and off he went to Brazil, his eyes bright with zeal for my mission of mercy.

6 months later, mid-december and Bob, wearing a leather conquistador helmet with a blue parrot feather jauntily affixed to the side, turns up at the gate of my estate driving a container lorry, looking absolutely knackered.

To tell the truth I’d totally forgotten I’d even hired him. He popped open the rear doors, jumped out of the cab and motioned for me to come and have a look into the dark interior.

What I saw made my blood run cold, here were the tribe all 20 of them backed into the furthest corner of the container, shivering, looks of despondency flickering across their noble Amerindian faces.

I asked Bob what happened and he confessed that had to burn down their local forest to flush them out into his net. “It took me about two weeks” He said, “And the Rio papers said the smoke from the blaze closed airports across the amazon basin. It was a right horror show”

He also informed me that the Brazilian police were on his trail and that I should keep the tribe out of sight.

WINNING LOTTERY WAYS

To be happy is all I want - why am I doing this?

WINNING LOTTERY WAYS

Read an interesting story the other day when I was in Boston finalizing a deal to build a giant tea pot in the harbour. 

It was about a group of people, some from MIT and Harvard, who’ve come up with a foolproof way to win the lottery-the only catch being you need 600,000 dollars to invest. 

But they reckon they’ve won nearly 2 million dollars already.

 I’d say good luck to them, but from my own bitter personal experience I know that money only brings misery. 

A luxurious, wrapped in the finest furs, sipping 100 year old cognac while living in a house so high tech that the local yokels think it has been sent from the future and is inhabited by a time travelling chrononaut called 'Mr Barry' misery, but misery all the same.

Anyway have a read. 

 

http://articles.boston.com/2011-07-31/news/29836200_1_lottery-tickets-claim-prizes-massachusetts-state-lottery

 

TOY STORY

Some People!

Found myself at the Mall picking up some new Bose sound docks after Big Dave said I’d bought inferior ones. 

After my purchases I had a look around the mall-there were lots of kids with excited looks on their faces taking in the amazing range of gear they had in Toys R Us.

It brought back memories of my own childhood-we weren’t poor but they wasn’t much money for holiday season gifts. But it made me determined to make my fortune and now I have, through hard work and a large pie flavored slice of luck I’m wealthier than I could ever imagine.

 

But what good money if it can’t bring others happiness? It’s just paper, or exclusive plastic or gold or shares in amazingly successful companies. 

So you know what I did? It was a stupid spur of the moment decision but I grabbed a store assistant and told her to announce over the tannoy that I’d buy every kid in the store a present as long as it was under 100 dollars.

She thought I was crazy till I showed her my wallet stuffed full of 50s! But it all went sour when she asked if I was a sex fiddler and then she said it was against the safety rules and they wouldn’t do it in case there was a riot! What is wrong with people these days??? I can’t even give my money away!!!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF PAIN

Giving goes a long way

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF PAIN

I am rich. Filthy stinking rich. I have a beachfront home in Malibu, an apartment in New York and a country estate in England. I travel first class and dine in the finest restaurants. I appear to have everything but in reality I’m miserable. My life is shallow, empty, soulless, and lonely. I’ll explain more over the coming weeks but all you need to know for now is that I’m giving away my fortune. I can’t stand it anymore, its got to go. All you have to do is tell me how much you want and what you're going to do with it. I can’t guarantee I’ll give money to everyone, but if I think you deserve a share then I’ll help wherever I can.

Love

mistletoe

They say money can’t buy you love and unfortunately I know this to be true.

It’s a lonely life at the top and sometimes I wish I had someone to share my shopping trips or vacations on gorgeous private islands. 

But I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will. I just never seem to meet the right girl. Just a successions of ‘Nearlys’. 

Maybe if my dream comes true and I give my fortune away then I’ll meet someone who takes me for who I am - a genius software engineer who was once wealthier beyond most people’s dreams. 

Sorry to be so personal but its times like this, Christmas, Hannakah, Eid, Diwali, Kwaanza and Festivus, that I feel the need for companionship and someone to snuggle with under the mistletoe, shalwar kameez, 7 candle thingymajig.

Look after your loves

Barry