Demon in my Hotpoint
I’ll come straight to the point. One of my home appliances has been invaded by supernatural entities who are terrorising my family and making my life a living hell!
It began when my youngest son Nicholas tried to clean his pet chicken in the washing machine. The poor bird was killed but its blood sacrifice meant a demon was able to take up residence inside our Bosch washer dryer (which incidentally we got it on a really good deal from John Lewis).
Since then all the families clothes have smelt of sulphur and my kids go to school smelling of rotten eggs. To be fair, drying is a lot quicker now with the machine being powered by the fires of hell (but get the timing wrong and the kid’s PE kits are reduced to ashes)
I’ve contacted a ‘White Goods Witch’ through Gumtree who says she can get rid of the demon for 50K in cash. Could you please forward me the money so I can instruct her to send this spin cycle spirit back where it came from.
Though thinking about it, it could be cheaper to buy a new washing machine. So could you send a grand for that please as well.
Need research funds
I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.
Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.
Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common.
So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it.
Hope to hear from you soon.
13 seconds to save the World
I am Geoff, the destroyer of worlds. Not sure if you remember me. I begged a big pile of cash from you back in 2011 to build a time machine so I could travel into the future. My plan was to mooch around a bit, check out how things turn out for the human race and then report back, hopefully with good news.
Well I am sorry to say that it is not good news, Barry, not good at all. I haven’t managed to build a time machine that will take me further than 13 seconds into the future. It works but obviously 13 seconds isn’t much time for me to get back and let the world know what is going to happen. In fact, it takes me a good 15 -20 minutes to get out of my contraption, have a shower and by then whatever I’ve discovered is all over Twitter anyway.
I think it’s a power issue and the only solution would appear for me to build my own nuclear power facility - possibly 5 or 6 power stations all linked together to provide the necessary juice to get me far enough into the future to make a real difference.
I am close, Barry, so close. I’m also depressed and could do with a holiday.
Hope you can help
Geoff, the destroyer of worlds
urgent assistance required
Hey barry, I've just shit my pants in a very public place. Could you send me some cash via paypal so i can get some new undercrackers. Cheers serge