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MESSIAH DETECTOR

Blessed Barry!

MESSIAH DETECTOR

As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.

 And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement  begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact. 

 But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer. 

 I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)

 Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!

 Bless you

 Paul Crystalstone 

Haunted Washing Machine

Demon in my Hotpoint

Haunted Washing Machine

Dearest Barry,

I’ll come straight to the point. One of my home appliances has been invaded by supernatural entities who are terrorising my family and making my life a living hell!

It began when my youngest son Nicholas tried to clean his pet chicken in the washing machine. The poor bird was killed but its blood sacrifice meant a demon was able to take up residence inside our Bosch washer dryer (which incidentally we got it on a really good deal from John Lewis).

Since then all the families clothes have smelt of sulphur and my kids go to school smelling of rotten eggs. To be fair, drying is a lot quicker now with the machine being powered by the fires of hell (but get the timing wrong and the kid’s PE kits are reduced to ashes)

I’ve contacted a ‘White Goods Witch’ through Gumtree who says she can get rid of the demon for 50K  in cash. Could you please forward me the money so I can instruct her to send this spin cycle spirit back where it came from.

Though thinking about it, it could be cheaper to buy a new washing machine. So could you send a grand for that please as well.

Yours

Kirsty

I am Geoff, the Destroyer of Worlds

13 seconds to save the World

I am Geoff, the Destroyer of Worlds

Dear Barry

I am Geoff, the destroyer of worlds. Not sure if you remember me. I begged a big pile of cash from you back in 2011 to build a time machine so I could travel into the future. My plan was to mooch around a bit, check out how things turn out for the human race and then report back, hopefully with good news.

Well I am sorry to say that it is not good news, Barry, not good at all. I haven’t managed to build a time machine that will take me further than 13 seconds into the future. It works but obviously 13 seconds isn’t much time for me to get back and let the world know what is going to happen. In fact, it takes me a good 15 -20 minutes to get out of my contraption, have a shower and by then whatever I’ve discovered is all over Twitter anyway. 

I think it’s a power issue and the only solution would appear for me to build my own nuclear power facility - possibly 5 or 6 power stations all linked together to provide the necessary juice to get me far enough into the future to make a real difference.

I am close, Barry, so close. I’m also depressed and could do with a holiday.

Hope you can help

Kind regards

Geoff, the destroyer of worlds

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

now is the time to act!

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

Dear Barry,

As you are no doubt aware we live in a world that is increasingly beset by environmental problems.

Climate change, crop failure and the ever dwindling carbon based fuel resources show that we are in a lot of trouble and that if we don’t do something soon future generations will be doomed to live with our inaction.

In my own way I had been trying to ‘do my bit’ to help forestall this calamity that faces us.

I switched off my lights when I drove at night, only made essential toilet trips and carry home my groceries in a shopping bag made of hemp and spider’s webs.

But it still felt like I wasn’t doing enough.

Then I hit on a way to make myself totally self-sufficient, a method where I can meet all my energy needs without having to rely on the government grid, and maybe, just maybe give the world a new energy source.

I designed a working prototype myself (I was engineer James Watt in a previous life) and pleased with the results, I installed one for the neighbor’s either side of me.

They both worked perfectly and the neighbors were ecstatic with the results. (Though both are addicted to ecstasy so that could have been their normal state).

The only problem is fuel.

My device is powered by a product and method that is repellent and offensive to many-it runs on the blood of kittens.

At first securing a supply wasn’t a problem-I live with my mum and she is the prototype ‘crazy cat lady’, so I had enough fuel for my experiments.

But soon my mother’s supply ran out and I had to resort to scanning the local craiglist for kittens being given away.

I’m proud to say that even though tempted I never stole any of the neighborhood kittens, though I did find myself at the local canal hoping someone would turn up with a bag of the squirming creatures.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough.

What I need is funds to start my own kitten farm.

I envision acres and acres of kittens hooked up to machines providing blood to fuel my machines. This would be more humane than the present method as they would be kept alive rather than having to be killed.

So come on Barry, give generously and let’s save this planet!

Yours truly,

Mr Jonathan Felixstowe

 

FOOTWEAR APOCALYPSE

evil shoes

FOOTWEAR APOCALYPSE

Dear Barry,

I have an urgent funding request.

I need 6 million dollars so I can start a worldwide campaign to abolish the worldwide plague on humanity that are buckles on shoes.

Invented by notorious Elizabethan necromancer John Dee, who designed them when his left foot became possessed after a Halloween ritual went awry, no good has ever come from the placement of the buckle (or the devil’s fasteners as I call them) on footwear.

They are simply cursed.

For example, look what happened to the Indians after they encountered the buckle booted puritans. Or the victims of pirates forever crushed beneath the clasp locked footwear of long-haired privateers.

Over the centuries many notable people have tried to warn us of the dangers of buckle, but such is its evil that it could only be referred to obliquely or through nonsense rhymes.

Take the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Buckle My Shoe’

‘One, two Buckle my shoe

Three, four, Knock at my door

This originally read,

“One, two, Buckle on my shoe,

Three, four, It opens Satan’s door.

Need more proof? Well if you send me the money I will tell you the knowledge that has shaken men’s souls to their very core and the buckles off their boots.

Together if we try very hard, we can rid the world of this insanity in one great big boiling vat of molten buckle fat.

Yours truly,

Jans Skoenveter

PS belt buckles and buckles on bags are to my knowledge safe.