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MESSIAH DETECTOR

Blessed Barry!

MESSIAH DETECTOR

As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.

 And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement  begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact. 

 But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer. 

 I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)

 Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!

 Bless you

 Paul Crystalstone 

Bird Whisperer

We can learn so much...

Bird Whisperer

Good day Mr Derbyshire,

I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.

For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.

I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!

One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!

Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!

This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!

Cheers

Buddy J Mattes

Self Driving Car Disaster

Need research funds

Self Driving Car Disaster

Dear Barry,

I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.

Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.

Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common. 

So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it. 

Hope to hear from you soon.

Malcolm Sheer

Athletes Tooth

Athletes Tooth

Dear Barry,

 I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.

It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.

 As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.

 Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.

Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.

 I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;

You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.

 What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.

I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.

 Please answer my proposal by sunrise.

 Yours

 Audrey Gigi

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

True cost of removing evil

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

Dear Beggary

Have you ever wondered why we spent millions of billions removing an evil Arab dictor from power.

Yes I have wondered.

With current rolling news mess in our faces, first Egypt, then the other ones. These guys have been doing revolution for less than $1000 - the true cost of removing evil.

I won't mention Lybia or Siriah. Too expensive for my tastes.

Not billions millions. What does it cost. A Facebook account = free. twitter account also free. Maybe some photocopying $250.

Permanent markers. permanent martyrs LOL.

Sticks, stones < free on the sidewalk. maybe some gas for throwing. But whatever you say it don't cost American body bags no more.

I have an idea for an iPhone App - kind of quick start Arab dictor revolution swiss army knife app.

You can set up Facegroup, Twitter angry Arab groups with one click. set you budget, find nearest copy shop and more. Status updates of revolutions in progress would be nice.

Estimate $10000 for dev work.

App would be free download as I don't want to make money out of Arabs but would like to do my bit.

Awaiting your immediate response.

Devon