Articles tagged with: charity

Straight Talking

Stop my Sayings

Dearest Barry,

I have read most of your other begs and they strike me as silly, obvious con jobs designed to lift the cash from your no doubt gigantic bank account

Well I am different. I’m a plain speaking man, raised honest in the endless cornfields of Norwich so I’m not going to beat about the bush, go round the houses, call a spade a fork, try and flim flam you, pull the wool over your eyes, tell you my auntie is my uncle, sell you a pig in a poke, lead you by the nose, pull a fast one, visit Alice in the bakers or take you to the cleaners.

To cut a long story short I just want a donation so I can stop the unstoppable urge to endlessly compound my sentences with well known phrases. It’s sending me and my family crazy like a loon, up the wall, round the bend, away with the fairies, bats in the belfry, going postal with metal hands and, well you get the picture, are clued in, know the score, woke like waco, know the 411, are in the know. 

So please flash the cash, make it rain, deal the dosh, fork out, cough up, feed the meter, tap the monkey in its special place to help, as you can't take it with you, no pockets in shrouds, money is meant for spending, charity begins at my house.  

Yours 

Judd Crossbar

PS You never know how strong you are till you are boiled alive in a teacup

Athletes Tooth

Athletes Tooth

Dear Barry,

 I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.

It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.

 As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.

 Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.

Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.

 I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;

You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.

 What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.

I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.

 Please answer my proposal by sunrise.

 Yours

 Audrey Gigi