Articles tagged with: evil

FOOTWEAR APOCALYPSE

evil shoes

FOOTWEAR APOCALYPSE

Dear Barry,

I have an urgent funding request.

I need 6 million dollars so I can start a worldwide campaign to abolish the worldwide plague on humanity that are buckles on shoes.

Invented by notorious Elizabethan necromancer John Dee, who designed them when his left foot became possessed after a Halloween ritual went awry, no good has ever come from the placement of the buckle (or the devil’s fasteners as I call them) on footwear.

They are simply cursed.

For example, look what happened to the Indians after they encountered the buckle booted puritans. Or the victims of pirates forever crushed beneath the clasp locked footwear of long-haired privateers.

Over the centuries many notable people have tried to warn us of the dangers of buckle, but such is its evil that it could only be referred to obliquely or through nonsense rhymes.

Take the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Buckle My Shoe’

‘One, two Buckle my shoe

Three, four, Knock at my door

This originally read,

“One, two, Buckle on my shoe,

Three, four, It opens Satan’s door.

Need more proof? Well if you send me the money I will tell you the knowledge that has shaken men’s souls to their very core and the buckles off their boots.

Together if we try very hard, we can rid the world of this insanity in one great big boiling vat of molten buckle fat.

Yours truly,

Jans Skoenveter

PS belt buckles and buckles on bags are to my knowledge safe.