Articles tagged with: fat

Sack off China

Send me 3 years salary

Sack off China

Dear Barry

Alright, la - hope this finds you well. My request for assistance may come as a surprise as I am someone who on the surface has everything a lad could want. I have a lovely wife, a fleet of cars, several houses and I've made love to some really attractive older birds - but it's all just empty and shallow. Even my wife is hollow, like.

I have been highly successful in my chosen career as a professional footballer and some would say that I have reached the pinnacle in my field - I am a global superstar, goal scoring centre forward for a top, top, top club and also my country. I get paid the same in a year as most people will earn in a lifetime - and that lifetime would have to include a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from Uncle Bob in Australia and lucking out on the London property market. 

So why do I need cash. Well everyone has to keep up appearances and although I’ve earned a big pile of dosh, I’ve spent it like a fish in a chip shop. Now I’m coming to the end of my career and it looks like my next contract will be my last and for much less than I’m used to. I could go to China but that is not an option for someone of my stature and poor linguistic skills- it would be embarrassing for me and my family, like . I just can’t do it, la. I’d look like a proper divvy. People will laugh and I hate that. I can't even pronounce the name of the club that wants to sign me and I’m not a big fan of their scran.

Could you just send me 3 years salary so I can sack off the China idea, stay put and maintain my current lifestyle. I'll sort you out with some tickets for a game or two and get the bevvies in. This is really getting me down, Barry, and I see you as my only hope. Go ‘ed lad sort me out with a few quid. It’s doing my head in, like.

Cheers

Dave (not my real name)

 

THE FAT LAZY POOR CONUNDRUM

obesity fix

THE FAT LAZY POOR CONUNDRUM

Ironic really that that so many poor people are fat. I pondered this thought as I wandered through my newly acquired stately home in the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside. My interior designer, Roger, was working out how to get rid of some of the original features without upsetting the English Heritage people as we strolled around the vast interior. Roger isn’t fat and he’s quite rich too. Of course it wasn’t always this way. You only have to watch a BBC television costume drama to see that it used to be the other way around. Poor people were skinny in those days and the landed gentry were the fat ones. How times have changed. Nothing marks you out as a lazy pauper than a bit of obesity. I think it is down to bad diet and a lack of exercise. Africans aren’t fat and they don’t have much cash but they are out and about all day carrying buckets.