Articles tagged with: illinois

A Visitor!!

Hitman pays me a visit. I pay him off.

A Visitor!!

My butler Ivan has just reported back, he;d seen a Bigfoot in the back yard! This is bad news indeed.

In case you didn’t know, Bigfoot often works with the Illuminati as an assassin for hire, so seeing one in the farm means only one thing.

He is here to do me in, in the preferred Bigfoot manner by twisting my head off like a cap on a Bud Lite bottle.

Fortunately I know Bigfoot’s cousin, Mr Yeti,  through my days spent in 10K dollars a day rejuvenation clinics run by theosopic monks high in the Himalayas.

Bigfoot has a lot of time for his cousin so he's agreed to a payoff of 200K USD. Luckily I was about to build a model of Olney’s town hall made entirely of Napoleon Brandy soaked 100 dollar bills so I have the cash to hand. I gave him it in two wal mart bags and told him to use the money to get his hair cut (he was sporting a Hitler mullet)

But the Illumniati must know I’m here so I’m packing my bags (well, Ivan is) and moving on to a safe house. Anyone who offers me shelter will be well rewarded!!

Hurry though, Bitcoins value is dropping by the minute!

Down On The Farm!

Plain country living

Down On The Farm!

After my appeal for help earlier this week after I discovered I’m on an Illuminati hit list I’ve been moved by all the offers.

Moved to never give out any money again—only two people offered me sanctuary during this time of great danger. But God Bless the two that did, they will receive their Bit Coins shortly.

I’m now holed up on a farm in the American mid west with my butler Ivan.

I won’t say precisely where (and i’m posting this from a signal that is being routed through 23 proxies and bounced off Alex Jones’ head)  but Olney, Illinois has a very nice diner where the good folks of the town meet to discuss the day.

I think they were a bit shocked when I walked in. Maybe it was my Karl Lagerfeld suit or that i ordered a vegan breakfast or that Ivan spoon fed me every last morsel. But it soon settled down.

When I left I tipped the waitress 10K USD and she decided there and then to come work for me. A couple of families that saw me give me the small tip, invited me to dinner this evening. 

Seems they are some good folks left in the world!

But the Illuminati still loom and I’m a moment ago I could hear one of them scuttling around in the back yard. I’m sending Ivan out to have a look and will report back later….

PS To the Illuminati who hacked the blog. there aren’t any WH Smiths in southern Illinois! They can’t even read here here! Let alone have newstands. Haven’t thought your cunning plan through have you?