Articles tagged with: love

Cat Lady Query

Cat Lady Query

Hi Barry,

 Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!

 I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue. 

 I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order)  and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.

Yours 

Sarah

PS 

If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!

Love

mistletoe

They say money can’t buy you love and unfortunately I know this to be true.

It’s a lonely life at the top and sometimes I wish I had someone to share my shopping trips or vacations on gorgeous private islands. 

But I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will. I just never seem to meet the right girl. Just a successions of ‘Nearlys’. 

Maybe if my dream comes true and I give my fortune away then I’ll meet someone who takes me for who I am - a genius software engineer who was once wealthier beyond most people’s dreams. 

Sorry to be so personal but its times like this, Christmas, Hannakah, Eid, Diwali, Kwaanza and Festivus, that I feel the need for companionship and someone to snuggle with under the mistletoe, shalwar kameez, 7 candle thingymajig.

Look after your loves

Barry

LOTTERY

big money misery

LOTTERY

Saw that Tuesday night’s jackpot euro lottery ticket-a fairly reasonable amount of $260 million dollars-went to one winner in England.

I say good luck to whoever has had the misfortune to strike it rich-it brings nothing but misery.

Look at me, nothing to keep me warm at night except the 100 dollar bills I throw on the fire.

No-one to love me except women who are more interested in the material things in life than the spiritual.

That’s why I’m giving it all away and when the last penny is gone I’ll become a hermit who lives in a house made of seashells far away from civilization.

So I say to whoever has won (their identity isn’t known yet) good luck, you’ll need it.

 

UPDATE LOTTERY

G*ddammit!

Turns out the mystery lottery winner is me!

I was going though my pockets and just found the ticket with the jackpot numbers on. I accidently bought it when I was buying a packet of cigarettes in the local costcutters the other day (something I usually get Ivan my butler to do but I’d given the day off to go to see to problems with his import export business).

I wondered why when I asked for a pack of ‘Lucky Strikes’ the server gave me a pack of Marlboro golds and a strange looking receipt-he thought I was asking for a ‘Lucky dip’ on the lottery!

Now I have another 260 million dollars to go on the millions I already have and don’t want. What will I do now?!!!!!

 

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

Thank G-d-it turns out i haven't won the lottery at all. The numbers had got smudged against the Faberge egg i always carry in my pocket. What a lucky escape, but i'm still left with the problem of getting rid of the rest of my millions.