Or is He a Double Agent or maybe even a False Flag Interrogation Dolphin?
Hope this finds you well.
You may think that you can escape the Illuminati with the help of Chris but can you trust him? Have you ever wondered why we attached a dolphin to your back using a very complicated and expensive surgical procedure? It's not an operation that you can have done by your pathetic NHS! Even if you could then the waiting lists for full body dolphin grafts would probably be ridiculous.
The truth is that Chris may or may not work for us, but you'll never be sure. If you don't believe us then google 'CIA/Illuminati dolphin brainwashing and interrogation techniques', and you'll find that we have used aquatic creatures to get into the minds of our victims for thousands of years. HaaHHaaa! In fact, the first recorded use of a false flag dolphin graft was when Marcus Crassus used one on Spartacus, and we all know what happened to him. If you don't then the movie version is on Netflix - it's historically incorrect but you'll get the gist.
Give it up Barry - turn yourself in and don't listen to Chris and his double/triple bluff about us using both of you to help us/them or you find the lost continent of Atlantis. We/you or all of us might not even be interested.
See you soon
Those That Control You
I wake with a start. My head throbbing. Opening one eye slowly I realise I am lying face down in a pool of blood. I try to push myself up off the floor, but it feels like there is a dead weight on my shoulders. Raising my head as much as I can I blink my other eye open. Where am I? Who am I? Why have I got a dolphin……aaaghhhh! Now I am up. Punching and slapping the dolphin that appears to have been sewn onto my back. In a desperate attempt to remove the stinking aquatic mammal I spin around furiously tripping over a dead scientist and crashing into an operating table. “Barry! Barry! Fucking stop it or you’ll kill us both”
I must be hallucinating - the dolphin is talking to me. I stop dead still and close my eyes. I have some experience with drugs having once shared a rolled up cannabis joint with my roommate at MIT. I hated it but I learned that if you concentrated very very hard, you could turn off drugs like a light switch. I close my eyes and think of nice things like tea at Claridges and getting a back rub from my best friend and butler, Ivan. My reverie is broken by the dolphin whispering in my ear “wake up Barry we’ve got to go - they’re coming - move it move it."
I open my eyes and only now see the full horror of my surroundings. I'm in some kind of underground cave that has been turned into part science lab, part operating theatre, part sea world adventure playground. I’m tempted to have a quick go on the seahorse themed bouncy castle but survival instinct takes over, and I race for the door. Flinging it open reveals we’re actually inside an industrial warehouse. We rush to the next door and we are inside a giant aircraft hanger. Fuck me - this has to be the work of Those That Control Us. I head to the next door knowing full well what to expect - yes through this door, and we’re inside a cave. You’ve got to admire the Illuminati in a way. Classic. But wait what’s this? A chink of light in the cave wall! I run over to it and dive through head first. The dolphin screams, but we’re through - it’s just a curtain painstakingly embroidered to look like a cave.
"My name's Chris by the way," says my new dolphin appendage "run Barry run"
Subversive needs a submersible
I write to you with an exciting proposal
I’ve recently lost backing for a political project i was working on (it was v succesfull till i got the boot)
I want to take a break for a bit before deciding on what to do next. So was thinking you could buy me an Ohio Class nuclear powered submarine so I can cruise around under the ocean.
In return I will guarantee election as the head of state of any nation you choose.
Let me know as soon as possible.
S Bannon (Soon to be Captain of the USS Bannonator)
It's cold but good to be back
Christ - what a rest! Judging by my inbox I’ve been sorely missed. Nine thousand begs to sort out. At the current rate, it’ll take my butler, Ivan, several years to write a heartfelt personalised reply to each and every single one of you.
You may be wondering where I’ve been the last three months. Like many multi-billionaires, I invested heavily in cryogenic freezing technology when I first became filthy rich. It made sense at the time, the logic being that it would be impossible to spend my vast wealth in one lifetime and so I’d need maybe 10 or even 20 lifetimes to get the most out of it. Now, of course, it’s possible to grow new body parts as you need them in one of your laboratories hidden in the desert and so cryo-preservation has fallen out of fashion with the elite classes. If I have a cold or flu-like symptoms now, I just grow myself a new nose and I’m good to go.
Heya Barry. I have some terrible news that is just so embarrassing! It can't be true I thought but having watched it back on my computer I can't hide the fact that I can't clap! Apparently I am part human and part dolphin. I'm depressed Barry. The only fix is specialist hypnotherapy and it costs a bomb. I'm not sure I have enough money for therapy and cope with the emotional trauma is too much. I was told it will cost a few million to fully cure me. Until then I can't be seen in any social environment for the fear of clapping is too much. Help a damsel in distress. I know you will x