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Cat Lady Query

Cat Lady Query

Hi Barry,

 Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!

 I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue. 

 I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order)  and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.

Yours 

Sarah

PS 

If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!

Bird Whisperer

We can learn so much...

Bird Whisperer

Good day Mr Derbyshire,

I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.

For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.

I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!

One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!

Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!

This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!

Cheers

Buddy J Mattes

Self Driving Car Disaster

Need research funds

Self Driving Car Disaster

Dear Barry,

I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.

Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.

Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common. 

So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it. 

Hope to hear from you soon.

Malcolm Sheer

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

True cost of removing evil

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

Dear Beggary

Have you ever wondered why we spent millions of billions removing an evil Arab dictor from power.

Yes I have wondered.

With current rolling news mess in our faces, first Egypt, then the other ones. These guys have been doing revolution for less than $1000 - the true cost of removing evil.

I won't mention Lybia or Siriah. Too expensive for my tastes.

Not billions millions. What does it cost. A Facebook account = free. twitter account also free. Maybe some photocopying $250.

Permanent markers. permanent martyrs LOL.

Sticks, stones < free on the sidewalk. maybe some gas for throwing. But whatever you say it don't cost American body bags no more.

I have an idea for an iPhone App - kind of quick start Arab dictor revolution swiss army knife app.

You can set up Facegroup, Twitter angry Arab groups with one click. set you budget, find nearest copy shop and more. Status updates of revolutions in progress would be nice.

Estimate $10000 for dev work.

App would be free download as I don't want to make money out of Arabs but would like to do my bit.

Awaiting your immediate response.

Devon

PROPULSION DEVICE/ ENVIRONMENT

Cars, Planes, Energy Power Plants, Rocket Engines

I have a design for a propulsion device that will revolutionize mankind overnight....

My major problem is that I can not find an investor thats not tied into one of those fields that would be affected when this comes to truition economically.

Its environmentally friendly and doesnt burn oil.

I am offering you 49% of corperation that wil own the patent and copyright of the design.

So in essance i am offering you money 1000 times what you have now if you will have the faith in me.

Please call Charles