TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY
I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.
There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt.
You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.
Warmest regards and season's greetings
The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Terrorized by Glass
I write in desperation. You are my only hope. I think i am losing my mind!!!!!!!!
Ever since I can remember I have been stalked by a mystery figure who appears on any reflective glass surfaces in every house or place i lived or visited. Cars, stores, you name it, these figures appears!
I have no idea who this mystery figure is (i get so frightened i never look for longer than a milisecond) all i know is i get scared and lash out and have to smash the glass.
I am now live in a windowless apartment in Detroit, drink from stone beakers and have to wear chain mail gloves whenever i go out. I am at my wits end at what to do.
Please send a couple of million dollars so I can get to the bottom of this.
PS The terrorizer showed up on my ipad screen as i wrote this and I had to smash the shit out of it. So please add a thousand bucks to my total.