Articles tagged with: sport

Sack off China

Send me 3 years salary

Sack off China

Dear Barry

Alright, la - hope this finds you well. My request for assistance may come as a surprise as I am someone who on the surface has everything a lad could want. I have a lovely wife, a fleet of cars, several houses and I've made love to some really attractive older birds - but it's all just empty and shallow. Even my wife is hollow, like.

I have been highly successful in my chosen career as a professional footballer and some would say that I have reached the pinnacle in my field - I am a global superstar, goal scoring centre forward for a top, top, top club and also my country. I get paid the same in a year as most people will earn in a lifetime - and that lifetime would have to include a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from Uncle Bob in Australia and lucking out on the London property market. 

So why do I need cash. Well everyone has to keep up appearances and although I’ve earned a big pile of dosh, I’ve spent it like a fish in a chip shop. Now I’m coming to the end of my career and it looks like my next contract will be my last and for much less than I’m used to. I could go to China but that is not an option for someone of my stature and poor linguistic skills- it would be embarrassing for me and my family, like . I just can’t do it, la. I’d look like a proper divvy. People will laugh and I hate that. I can't even pronounce the name of the club that wants to sign me and I’m not a big fan of their scran.

Could you just send me 3 years salary so I can sack off the China idea, stay put and maintain my current lifestyle. I'll sort you out with some tickets for a game or two and get the bevvies in. This is really getting me down, Barry, and I see you as my only hope. Go ‘ed lad sort me out with a few quid. It’s doing my head in, like.

Cheers

Dave (not my real name)

 

Athletes Tooth

Athletes Tooth

Dear Barry,

 I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.

It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.

 As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.

 Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.

Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.

 I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;

You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.

 What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.

I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.

 Please answer my proposal by sunrise.

 Yours

 Audrey Gigi

MIDGETBALL

v

MIDGETBALL

Barry,

As the phrase goes 'a picture tells a thousand words' and so does the one next to my beg-thousands of millions of dollars from my new sport 'Midgetball'

I want bore you with the rules or even how the game is played.

i don't need to

this sport has midgets with balls surgically attached to their heads. Which is pretty much what every healthy human on the planet wants from their athletic entertainment.

Lets get this started!