Articles tagged with: starving

Peas Help Me Barry

What is a portion anyway?

Peas Help Me Barry

Hi Bazzer

This email may come as some surprise. My name is Delores and you will remember me from the HF Massage Parlour - it’s closed down now and in its place is a Lucky Pet Premium Pet Food Store.

I’m now back in the UK after being deported and through no fault of my own I have 8 children to support - I’m not even sure if some of them are mine. Anyway Baz, I remember you said that if ever I needed anything you would be happy to help, so here goes.

Things are tough at the moment and I’m very worried after reading somewhere that it is now the law that everybody eats 33 portions of fruit and veg per day! I’m not even sure what a portion is but I do know I don’t want to go back to prison. I’ve priced up the cost of 33 portions of Petit Pois X 8 children X 7 days and it is a lot of peas per week. The best price I’ve found is Tesco which works out at 15p per 100g - I know some people will say I could get garden peas which are cheaper but two of the kids, Rio and Jordan, won’t touch them so it’s pointless. 

If you could set up a standing order or regular delivery from Tesco I could avoid a lengthy jail term, and the children might avoid many common western illnesses in later life. I could do with a bigger freezer as well. So we all win.

Love you

Delores