Articles tagged with: vermin

KIDNAP

aliens have my baby

KIDNAP

Alright Barry,

I’ll have to be quick-I’m off down the shops but i thought i'd drop you a line and let you know that aliens have kidnapped my baby.

The CCTV at my house captured the aliens during the snatch so if you could get one of your millionaires friends or use your software expertise to track down the extra terrestrials that’s be great. They also took a pet rat.

Don’t be too quick tho, I’m saving a fortune on diapers and baby food. Two weeks should be a good time for me to get her back.

They can keep the pet rat in the spirit of intergalactic friendship.

Nice one,

Thereza

FELINE GENOCIDE?

How can we rid the world from these pests.

FELINE GENOCIDE?

Hi Barry,

I don't know about you but the cat problem where I live in Somerset has got beyond a joke.

I know it's the liberal thing these days to "claim" to love the furry little fuckers but in private everyone admits to loathing these flea ridden bastard spongers, right?

Well, I'd like to start a nationwide campaign to rid our society of these evil c*nts. Maybe name a day when it becomes socially acceptable to publicly execute as many of the little shits as we can get our hands on? A sort of cat armistice.

There must be about 15 of the sneaky little wankers on my street alone. If burnt the heat generated could significantly help to reduce the problem some of our older citizens are having in staying warm this winter.

Let's all just stop, take a look in the mirror and admit to ourselves that enough is enough. They have to go. Only last week I saw a cat defecating in my rear garden. This unruly behavior just cannot be allowed to continue.

So, come on. let's do something about this problem together, as a nation.

VERMIN

In A personal Place

Hi barry,

I have a very serious problem that I can hope you can help me with.

For years my apple farm (a little place just outside of Spokane, WA) has suffered from a plague of field mice but lately things have taken a more sinister turn.

I have discovered that the mice have moved into my wife’s forehead. This is very distressing to me as not only do I hear their incessant squeaking all night, but my beloved’s head has swelled up at the front like a peanut or actress Reece Witherspoon’s.

As you can imagine this is very alarming. I’m not sure if the mice are controlling my wife’s actions. I suspect they are, as many times I have woken in the morning to find her face covered in those mouse glue traps I bought at the local store.

I’ve tried to remedy the situation myself but the only way to tempt the mice out is to place little bits of cheese in my wife’s ear canal and grab the little critters when they pop out for a bite. But it has been a bad year for American apples and it’s getting to a point where I can’t afford money for cheese.

I also want to try for a baby with my wife but I’m worried that any child produced will be half man/half rodent, which may be good for the freakshow circuit but not so good for a farm specializing in pippins.

Please help me and send some cheese or even better a cow so I can produce cheese myself-as the old saying goes, ‘Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life’

Please give generously.

Adam